After All 22102015

Finally, I have time to actually sit down alone and quietly to start blogging. I'm so sorry being too busy and lazy these few months. Not I have abandoned my blog here but after my A level exams and immediately started my Intermediate studies with UOL, although we have classes for only 3 days but my schedule is full like -.- 

Studying alone in student lounge today while waiting for my bitch. Recently, I started journaling with my Traveller's Notebook. (TN). A new expensive habit. I fell in love with all those washi tapes and paper crafting. Enjoy decorating my TN, inserting some new pages for it, bringing along whenever I go. Feel so addicted and can't stop living in my own world with my TN! Its a nice experience indeed. Idk why and whats make me in love with all these. I started to google search, insta stalking those talented people who shares their TN with me, starting exchanging and doing snailmail with people around the world. I realize that nowadays people is working and busying their own life without noticing how the outside world goes and they simply busy with their gadgets and they just communicate with social apps, keep in touch with emails but they abandoned the use of lettering and posting. It is so fun. The feeling of waiting a mail and checking the mail post box every day instead of clicking into email forward and reply. Although it sounds so expensive buying stamps and letters, but the feeling is different. Trust me. I enjoy receive all the snailmails and happy mails. You should try out tho :) writing a letter, posting a postcard, sending some happy mail and share your love around the world. 

I started to handle my own students. Class. Teaching. Ballet. Idk what makes me change and I started to accept the challenge and responsibilities as a ballet teacher. Being a ballet teacher is not my dream and I know its not in my planning. Since young, I dance because of the passion I have with dancing, enjoying my own world without caring what happens outside the studio but just merely telling my audience, My Story. Until this July, previously I was just a part-time replacement teacher because I don't want to accept the risk and responsibilities as a teacher to send my own students to exams, it will be challenging and stress. But starting of July, after listening to my principal, my view started to change. That's another way of love towards dancing. Maybe I'm not talented, having no nice body requirements to do ballet, having no knowledge to be a dancer, but my love to ballet, to dance will not decrease and that's part of my life. Thus, I started to teach. This is a promise to my very first ballet teacher Adeline Song that I will be a good ballet teacher like her; this is a promise to my students that I will make them proud and confident while they are performing or having exams. That's my responsibility to my own and my passion.

Admitted to the hospital after celebrating my birthday on 07092015. Appendicitis. Went through everything alone. Went through an operation alone and healing speedily now. I'm so thankful to those who cares and visited me during the period when I'm in hospital.  Well, basically, because of this I stop dancing for 2 months and withdrew myself from my advance2 tap exam and postponed it till next year. I cried for days because of making this decision. I gave up. I felt sorry to Phoebe as this will be the first time she entering into the exam hall without me, previously we are together in every tap exams. That's fate. Frankly, the operation do teaches me alot. :)

Should start studying and revising. Stay tune.
Signing off.
Lo,
Crystal.

This week is just drifting away so fast and yet today is Friday. Tomorrow will be the course preview and soon I will be starting my degree life. In the same place, same location and same block. Hope so will be an official law student tho. 

Summarizing this whole week. It was boring, lovely, excited, anger, sweet, tired and calm. Watched Jurassic World as promised and just had a brief date with begu. But admit it. This week is just too tired and boring. The longer the time is, the more complicated stuffs I have discovered. Maybe u think I might be pointless but frankly, I just need to change the mode of my attitude to face all the fuck ups these days. I mean, u know everyone will be facing different obstacles in life and we should not give up ourselves and that's right, I have nothing and pointless to give up myself right. NO way for myself to give up and sacrifice. The path I chose and I just need to do all my best to make things work right.

ATYL messaged me yesterday and I really hope I could help him tho. He was just too upset and can't himself focus on something and forget the past. I know maybe I'm still young enough to understand the big bro's world but what can I do was just staying beside him and listened to him. I spent some time to type and consoled him. I hope it really works and I hope he will not give up anything. My tears actually rolled down when he asked me not to change and hope that I am remain me, the original me from the beginning till now. I was so terrified and keep talking to him. Dear, it's life. In life we will lost something and will also gain something. We have our own problems and we need to settle all the problems by ourselves, there will be challenges and obstacles and we just need to walk over with courage. We are stronger, it will not kill us.

Sincerely hope he will be alright. Sincerely hope I will be alright tho. 

Signing off. 

Lo, 
Crys.

忙与盲

记得我还在坤成的时候曾有一次被选为一期《拾穗》的主编，那是我从初中开始的一个梦想，只是都在沉淀于写作，创作，等到一次的机会便是我高二的时候，当时我一头雾水，不知道到底主题该写些什么，到底放我一直以来都想要的题目吗？可是这本刊物代表坤成，代表我，也代表全校，我该写一些学校同学赞同的题材吧？然后，兜兜转转，转转兜兜，我选了《忙与盲》，全都准备好要发稿了，可是上一期的主编没法弄好刊物，所以我那一期该延迟了，可是我等不到啊。我那期泡汤了，我离校了，随着我那刊也挂牌取消了，没意思，唉，这就是人生，总有一些东西你想得到，想做到，但是总是碰脚。可，人生少了一点遗憾，也许就不完美了。

太久没有用华语写写我的部落格了，最近都在忙啥？考完试，我就窝在家里当宅女了，没啥特别事去干，看看戏，睡睡觉，吃吃喝喝，做做工，就那样，无聊得很，这才发现我无法牢牢地呆在家里休息，养性，我还是比较适合忙碌的那种。我是属于那种盲目地在忙碌的人。这人生啊，到底要走多远，走多长啊，都是靠自己，一路走来，都是自己在陪自己，不是吗？没有一个人喜欢被一个人束缚着，没有一个人喜欢被约束着，自由自在地不是吗？我这个人，总有一个老毛病，只要我自己一个人，无所事事，我的小脑袋瓜就会歇斯底里地胡思乱想，到处想一番，然后就会不断折磨自己，挖苦自己，让自己难受，然后再转牛角尖，这人啊，怪讨厌的。对于外表常给别人一种难以靠近，高高在上，坚强气势的女强人，无可奈何，对不起，我也是个弱女子，可是我知道，该坚强的时候坚强。

有些时候，总是问自己，这些是我想要的吗？无论爱情还是友情。我都很认真地，耐心地付出，我知道，付出的不代表可以完完整整得到回报，这不可能是对比。曾经觉得赢了全世界，输了你，我不可以，我会发疯的；但现在，即使我赢了全世界也赢了你，却输了自己，我更不可以。我是个自私的人，我做任何事，只想随着自己的心，我可以对不起任何人，但是我不能对不起我自己的心，因为支撑我最久的是我自己，若你让我选，我宁可只要自己，这可能是全世界人的选择吧？致友情和爱情。心里有多少矛盾我已无所谓，只要我活得快乐，你管我用什么角度去看我。

很多时候，我们会遇到别人不明白你的时候，你根本不能解释，也无须解释，因为因果道理都在你自己的心里，任何感受都你自己知道，你不可以逼着人家去接受你一切的不完美，你一切的瑕疵，或许，他们能给你的不多，他们不明白，可是只要你自己知道你在做什么就对了，别回头探听别人说你什么，他们不会明白的，这就是人生。很多时候，你需要自己辨别自己要的路，走自己的桥，过自己的路，他们不会替你完成。一切随着自己的心吧！即使有遗憾，也没关系，那是你自己的决定。

那个时候，我问你，如果前面有个黑洞，你会和我一起掉下去吗？你说你不会。那时候起，我就知道，你是个比我还理性的人，比我强势的人。跟以前的都不一样，你知道我的一切，了解我的一切。可是有些时候，上天给的考验是多么的残忍啊？总会有些我们意想不到的事。在你身边，我总是能很踏实的，好像一个乖孩子，可，当我们不见面上几天，我就开始慌了，心总是老空的，不知所措，然后，心好像被天花板压下来，呼吸不了，逃也逃不了，就眼睁睁让自己沉沦了，那些害怕的感觉就好像去年一样，泛滥开来，你尽力了，是我的安全感不到家，总是害怕。随缘吧！

我一直强行把一些东西送给你，我的时间，我的爱，我的胡搅蛮缠，我的狰狞和可爱，我从来没问过你想不想要，我只知道这些我从不给别人。

累了。
下线了。

Finally.

Ups and downs after weeks of exams. * Never forget my A level exams. Well, pretty good and I went through all the exams period. Especially my major law papers. I'm done! hah. Well, left a June paper. Business paper 3. 8 downs and 1 more to go. Procrastinating for a week tho. Had a few nights of good rest. Almost 10 hours per day? I admit. Like a pig. Seriously like a pig. But having a good rest before starting my new journey. It's sufficient. Was planning to have some little mini gateway tho, but unfortunately. I have time problem. >< Need to start my LLB program like really soon. A short 20 days of holiday after my Business paper?

Summarize my May life. Kinda interesting, challenging, busy and torturing tho. Firstly, never forget I was having my final A2 papers. The exams treated me well, at least I prepared for it and I can do it like quite well. Secondly, Plaza Dance Academy 21st Anniversary Concert!! Yeap, I did performed as well. ( Many thought I can't managed tho, cause almost having rehearsals every night and hanging out to main place tho... BUT...! Goddess Chan manged to><) The concert was so great...!!! I mean I can't compare the standard with DS, but the children are adorable and the whole running was so interesting and at least we learnt something. I participated to Ms Loo's roaring tap. Well, dancing with smaller kids are fun and the spirit of team working. The most important dance!! MRS.MARS. Girls putting up tap shoes, dressed like uptown funk with swag looking, wow! Our team was just so great! I love tap concert always and with them, my girls! Thanks Jocelyn Wong ( JoJo) for the nice choreography and patience, teaching us the steps, thinking complicated steps to make the dance more interesting; thanks Xuen Wei for driving me here and there; thanks Joy Muttiah ( Joy) for cracking jokes and sharing her stories and the suggestions; thanks Shulynn ( Sheryl) for taking good care of me, the detoxing water which we love it very much and everything! ; thanks phoebe acting like my cute twins, doing anything and everything the same with me. I love you girls, memorable and fantastic memories I have. From tap dancers turn to Best friends, thanks for cherishing me and love me like a little sister. Love you girls!

Went to TDS competition on Monday. It was competitive and nice job to all the finalists. Learnt something new and special and congratz to all finalist of DS and the winner of TDS. Miss ballet so much. Baby SY did well for the competition tho. Support you and love you forever. <3

Signing off. 

Lo,

Crys.

A cloudy day.

Is this a mad Friday or? I had a wonderful Thursday and an awful Friday together. In the week.

Apologizing for not appearing for so long. Was preparing and am preparing for the final shots of A level. Tons of revisions and slots of extra classes. Was having self studies in Starbucks these days and trying not to appear in college as much as possible. I can feel the stress. 

Mood right now is tremendously down and sad. I drenched up with an awesome mood this morning after having a great companion last night, felt like a sweet and happy kid. Until I saw message from MY. My heart started to drop and I can't react anything. I was stunt. Our beloved accounting lecturer, PMS Jasal just passed away. My tears started to flow and I can't really focus what am I doing. I called begu and he answered within 10 secs? He was shocked when I called him this so early morning. He kept asking what happened to you? Anything happened? He was total shocked after picking up his phone hearing me sobbing non stop. I calm myself and told him: ... our best accounting lecturer passed away. He silent. Total silent. I became mad and said : Do you hear me?! ... That side was so silent and I know begu was sad tho. Our accounting lecturer. We missed him so much and we miss him so much. 

Our accounting group decided to pay the last respect. Begu came and fetched me to the lrt station. We took Karmun, Yeevonne and Carreyan with us. We were so surprised to get this horror news and yet we still can remember those days he walked in with his tumbler and his notes. Imagine his copy righted notes. The last sentence he told us was... : I swear u guys will definitely miss me once I went to the medical treatment. And i'll be back. Yes, we miss you. 

The weather was cloudy just now. We reached and pay him last respect. The family was so sad and can't accept the fact. Among his students, I think we were the youngest. The family was so touched when they saw us. Before leaving, I hugged his wife. Aunty Nancy. I whispered to her silently. 
" Aunty, do you know? He is the best accounting lecturer in this world. And forever will. " She hugged me tightly and cried even harder. Aunty, I know. I really know the feeling. 

Sir, thank you. I will do my best. Now. Future. Rest in peace.
Signing off. 



Lo, 
Crystal.

从300秒变成仅有的30秒

我曾答应自己，我能生气，但是只能300秒，过了这300秒，我就要振作，不可以再生气。可你知道吗，我今天只生气了30秒，这代表，我心里的爱已经克服了，你不再那样重要，离开了我的世界，但是，你会存在我的记忆里。

同一个人，是没法给你同样的痛苦，当他重复地伤害你，那个伤口已经习惯了，感觉已经麻木了，无论再给他伤害多少次，也远远不如第一次受的伤那么痛了。

We should stand strong and face everything. <3

No matter what happens, we don't lost hope. There will ways to solve, to forget, to remember. When? Where? 

Somewhere over the rainbow. 

Signing off.

Lo, 

Crys.

不要问为什么，让它发生。

怎么了。竟然把今天的heading 变成：不要问为什么，让它发生。
最近，在追看一出连续剧--- 《大当家》故事生动有趣，而男主角是个很天才的天才，戏里有一句话让我非常的欣赏，那就是：让它发生。

很多时候，我们碰到了一些问题，总是在为难自己，不管是亲情，友情或是爱情。当我们碰到任何的不如意，我们第一时间问：为什么是我？为什么会发生？为什么我那么的不幸运？一连串的为什么。终究是为什么。其实，为什么我们就不让它发生呢？有些事情我们无法掌控，如果一切都如你所愿，由你掌控，那么这个世界什么没有了不是吗？为何，阻止不了的我们就不让它发生呢？

如果生活上，你把一切埋怨，把一切的悲伤都换个角度想一想，即使多么的不完美也一样美。你为一切而不高兴，你成天把自己埋在负能量的堆积里，就好像自己拿着一把刀，往自己的心里头插。没完没了的悲伤，是你想要的吗？你成天以泪洗脸，难不成失去的都会一并回来吗？你怪自己失去了才珍惜，你怪自己没有尝试把拥有的捉紧，你怪自己让自己后悔，你怪自己然后恨自己。可是，照着镜子的你，看看现在的你，而以前的你。以前的你和现在的你，难道还一样吗？每个人每一天都在改变，唯一不改变的就是一直在改变，这就是人生。我们不能怨不能恨，发生了就让它发生。

你流泪，你痛苦，你沉默，你悲伤；可是你知道，一切不能重来，就好像，可惜没如果。乌云后面没有太阳可是它有月亮。同样的眼泪不留第二次；同样的错误不要再重犯。你是知道的，事实就是这样，你怎么力挽狂澜，也是无策。 Tonnes of tears could not bring you back to my side. My tears are wasted. I should have drown you down with them. 我听过最经典的一句话。对啊~ 我哭完的泪水也换不回我失去的，我该更珍惜当初能让你后悔的机会。有个男生朋友告诉过我：In life, we should keep our head high but our middle finger higher. 无误，没有一个人，有资格让你伤心，也没有义务让你快乐；可是宝贝，你才是。你要对自己的心负责任，不要任何事情剥削你的笑容。身为旁观的，你该知道我们多为你心疼，我们适合伪装自己，我们常常戴着面具，可是，有些时候面具带累了也该卸下来，让自己看看自己。珍惜现在拥有的，不要让悲伤蒙蔽自己现在的幸福，哪怕是一点点的小幸福，别让它溜走。

------- 献给一个身边的好朋友。

As usual, I finished reading all other's blogs. Keep in touch and stay still with their current life in different places tho I know they didn't know I still read their stories. That day randomly I texted Jie who still studying in the States. I told her I miss her very much and I am always reading her blog. She was like so happy yet so surprised. 
..." Do you know what's the feeling like you miss someone very much, but not like a lover but a sister?" 
..." Just like you and I."

这就是发生在我身上的小小幸福，你可以觉得它微不足道，可是却温暖了两个人的心窝。

Scrolled up and down with my apps. The social ones, like you know... whatsapp, snapchats, instagram, wechat and recently telegram ( intro by Vonne ）.  I found out Ms Harwina ( my ex formal English teacher in KC which left the school when I was 15) ... I miss her damn much. She knows my stories with FEB and all my little tiny stuffs. Imagine, I din't even pay any attention in her English class but only sitting at her place wearing her scarfs and fooling around with my friends. My Jr3B life was horrible but full of happiness. 
..." Harwina, do you remember Crystal?"
..." Darling! Of course I remember you. I still wearing your scarf whenever I miss you!"

有些小幸福，不一定是爱人能给，其实老师也能给、我曾经听说过，其实幸福很简单，幸福不是别人给的，而是自己制造的。安全感也是一样。一直以来，我都把安全感的责任都推给对方，觉得我一切的不安都是对方制造的。可是，当我听见许玮甯回应传媒的那句话：安全感是自己给的，而不是对方给的。我突然恍然，一直以来我都错了。我常常把我的不安，我的不安全感，推到他身上，其实应该是我的问题。如果一向来我选择相信，对自己有信心，自己给自己安全感，那么我就不会在他身边感觉不安。若我终究依靠他来给我安全感，如果我不愿相信不愿给自己安全感，那他给再多的证明也是徒劳。--- 我也总算想清楚自己的问题在哪里了。无悔，至少有那么一段距离，我们很安心地一起走过。

I was stalking *reading Jolyn's blog tho. She shared about how to become a better and prettier person. I would like to share her post tho. 
http://jolynlynjjo.blogspot.com/
Girls, if you wanna become a better and prettier person pls read her post. Is not about how to make up, put lipstick and eye liner or anything... Is about how you show yourself to the public. Courage, confident and smile. Born with a beauty look is just a bonus but you will be better and prettier if your attitudes are good. 

Had a short meeting with my darlings, Hoyan and JingYing. My best besties since I was 16. 
一直以来，我都认为我们的友情都有一定的原因。虽然我们有着不同的圈子，但是我们有我们的话题。感恩，你们能了解我，听我倾诉。 Those hours with you both were just too fast ! I miss you two and love you till the end of the world.

* 我们追求的是自己的幸福，而不是比别人幸福。幸福不炫耀，我向往的幸福是简单，平静和安宁。我们要相信自己是值得被保护，也值得被爱。

Lo, 
Crys.

过程比结果重要；曾经拥有比不曾拥有幸福。

当你一个人喝着咖啡，望着窗外，读着小说，如果突然有个人拉开椅子坐下，望着你笑，你会否觉得窝心？每个人都在等一个人，可是跌跌撞撞我们都不知道那个人到底出现了还是还没出现；到底我们错过了还是还没遇见。无论遇过多少挫折，记得不要放弃，不要失望，倒下了，记得会遇见更好的，记得还要相信，不管是友情还是爱情。

没有一个人有义务对你好，没有一个人有义务对你付出。曾经拥有的你不能只是一味怪罪失去，然后不断沉浸问为什么；而是要感恩曾经这个无关系的人为你细心付出过。好聚好散，至少他曾经对你好，一切都值了。不要沮丧，因为他也不希望你那样颓废。让自己更好，每一段失去，不是教会你如何爱人，而是教会你如何好好爱自己。

永远。一个敏感的字眼。它可以是最幸福的承诺，也可以是最残忍的刀锋。永远有多远。距离有多少。没有一本教科书教过我们，什么是永远。一个形容词。甜蜜的谎言。所以，从来不喜欢给承诺的人，空头支票收多了手会累，心会倦。我重视现在的幸福。不用说爱我，不用一直陪着我，只是在有时候不经意让我的电话响起，不经意让我的收到你的信息，让我知道你还活着，不需要常联络，不用常见面。永远就是一起吃喝的时候一起分享，有完没完地说笑。聊到没话题的时候，各自划自己的手机，做着一样的事情也是一种幸福。不需要一直在一起，不需要一直见面，也许一首歌一句话会想起一起的幸福。能够了解彼此的一切，能遇见就是一种缘分，他的出现一定有原因，至少让我成长了一点，也许不多，但已经足够了。

每个人都在等一个人。一个人不恐怖，不害怕。可是多了一个人，受了些保护，得到一些关怀，也不错。没有对或错，反正让它发生。该发生的，终究会发生。

放过他，就是放过自己，原谅自己，因为自己值得幸福。

我们有时间。我们不急。把心放宽，把心照亮，小小的幸福，再小也把它捉好。

Peter Su :

幸福，其实一直都在身边，不用急着找，或许只是一个瞬间，你就会发现它。

Lo,
Crys

Like Finally.

Like finally mocks just over. CSTD tap exam is upcoming so soon. Real soon. Coming Monday. Pray hard I can rule the exam hall all by myself. Solo exam weii. Dances are not afraid at all...but the theory part really torturing. >.< But I hope I can do well because theories are important for my future associate cert. No matter what happens I will do well. All the best, pretty. 

Back to my mocks. Augh. Can you just imagine how ridiculous? When u open ur exam paper, and ended up writing ur name and pass up the paper? Its just funny when I opened my Contract Law paper. I dun even uds what the questions asking for.Ended up smiling and laughing to my dear lecturer. Screwed my Contract paper. I hope I did well in Tort though.

Study and revision break is coming. Having plannings for the coming month. Will be busy revisioning and stay late for college. I hope the law school's library really helps me. >.< Will be watching Cinderella tomorrow with family and have dinner with darling Matilda. Well, nothing special this week. Just had mocks. Hope I can enjoy my life better? duh -.- haha

Went to Karaoke with the gang yesterday. I reached earlier after accounting exam. So, went shopping alone. Passed by Charles & Keith. Aww... the purses are flawless and I just can't wait to grab one! I swear I will save money for it. Bought myself new clothes. Shopping did brighten up my day! <3 Girls love shopping. :*

Goddess Crystal.

Update yall soon. 

Lo, 

Crys

如果坚强和任性，你会选择什么？

前面有个黑洞，我站在前面。你会陪我掉下去，还是拉着我？

Yesterday I was naive, today I've grown up.

Decided to topic this week's blog with the above title. 
That's from Jie's blog. I bet she dunno that I am her blog's frequent reader hah. Miss her damn much and often visit her blog. Peep what is she doing at the states. I know being alone there isn't easy stuffs at all while all the love ones in M'sia. You will be alright Jie. We will meet soon right. 

Back to my topic. Hah. Mocks are around the corner. Was busy recap everything abt Torts and Contracts plus Accounting. It wasn't easy enough for me although I have decided to give up Econs. Duh. I know Mr Khor miss me alot. And Ray did invited me to take the AS level business's mocks next week. Will be a productive and challenging week though. For me. 

Was distracted for awhile yea. Was studying Nuisance just now.Planning to finish tort revision by tonight. Prima facie, I have finished my contracts' revision. I merely flipped through everything and knew what happened but.! ( Personally, I hate this BUT)... Is there any cases in my mind, I doubt that. Apparently, my table was full of books, notes, chapter packs, textbooks, reference books and everything. I can't even find a place for laptop. Hah. ( It doesn't mean I have been studying the whole day) . When to tap class just now as usual. 3 hours non top tapping. The ball of my feet were totally painful! Performance and exam are coming. Well, we pretty enjoying it. Hope everything turns up well. 

Hell No. Exams are coming. Without any notice. Accounting lecturer was admitted to the hospital. Facing business lecturer for additional hours, it's just deadly boring. She has her own style though hah. I really need a 6 months vacation. Twice a year. Well, if holiday is free. I think you can't see me anymore. Maybe I will be at a little corner of this world. But, you will mostly find me at Greece. In love insanely with that place. I really love that place. It gives me a peace significant of feel. 

About the extrovert and introvert thingy. Am I an extrovert? Maybe. I may be an introvert sometimes. I can be sociable with my friends and totally emo with myself. Sometimes, I can't even stand myself. Hah. But well I am quite good these days. Controlling myself in a good condition. Despite stressing for exams, everything is an OK. Should get rid for those overthinking thoughts. Overthinking kills.

Teaching 6 hours straight yesterday. Quite enjoy. The girls are having exams soon, so my job yesterday was to be an examiner, trained them like exam. They entered into the exam hall and I acted like an examiner ( well, I always like to act like an examiner. Hey! I am quite experienced in handling examiners kay? ) hah. But mentally and physically, I was exhausted. Totally ugh. But I managed to complete my mission and started revision at late night. 

Yep, was revisioning non stop and keep myself focus. Except twitter, I deactivated my snapchats, insta and fb ( except likes and comments) . Stay focus for this week. Need to catch up with some peeps after these. 

Pray hard for my mocks. I need the greatest luck in the world! 
Quoted an ending from Jie's blog: 

有人说， 爱的反面是恨，

是啊。

所以，我既然不恨你，那就证明我从来没有爱过你。

Lo, 

Crys.

Somewhere over the rainbow

最近反复在听3首歌。手心的蔷薇。可惜没如果。算什么男人。
心情简单，口中反复哼着那些歌。还没厌倦呢！电台莫名听见也会很兴奋。我就是这样的女神，容易满足。
最近怎样啊？心情怎样啊？还一般一般嘞，新年嘛，都在忙，都很忙，朋友们回来了，每个晚上都出，每天都玩乐。给了自己一个假期，下个星期要奋斗了（每次的借口）。
不会再有莫名的伤心，莫名的心碎，莫名的眼泪。他没有不闻不问，他没有爱理不理。我们都不提起，我们都知道对方在心里的位置。适当的时候，我们会关心对方，也会想知道对方在干什么，你会觉得这样的关系超奇怪，两个人明明走开了怎么就剪不断理还乱？但是，终究彼此最了解彼此。我知道他的一切习惯，一切脾气；他知道我的性格，我的倔强，我的懦弱。根本没有任何关系的两个人，就算没了牵连，也继续努力地守护着。
我不知道这是撒野，还是什么。我们没了平常的联络，只是偶然发了个讯息给对方，让对方知道我们还活着。
我已经没有半夜醒来问为什么；已经没有生气他任何的已读不回；也没再理会他身边的人；只要他活着就好，这是我给他最大的自由，也是我给他最深的爱情。走到这里，我反而乐得自在，活得自由，至少有那么一个人知道你想什么，了解你。我们不需要一起，不需要相爱，因为我们已经以不一样的形式在一起了。
最近，每个晚上都在读张小娴的《我们说好不分手》，里面的散文，她所写的一切都很贴切，学会了许多。感恩，张小娴总在需要的时候，教会了我许多。
到底永远，有多远？我不知道，我不相信永远，可是你在我身边，默默把一切我吃不完的都吃完，那就是我和你的永远；在我不明白的时候让我茅塞顿开，那就是我和你的永远；在我无语的时候把我逗笑，那就是我们的永远；往好的方面想，我们都经历了我们的永远。
有时候，我们以为自己能爱的死去活来，可是，时间让我们知道，依恋会过去，爱情会过期，把当下的一切过得实在，那就是你的人生。
每个人，我们每天都在成长，我们该感恩身边所有让我们长大的人，让你快乐的，让你伤心的，都要感恩。感恩他们，过去，让我们受益不少，所流过的眼泪，不是白费的，所有的过客，都教会我们一件事。
不要怪他们伤害了你，感恩他们让你坚强。
偶然有个人问我：你对你最爱的人所过最好听最窝心的话是什么？
脑海里浮现的不是陈腔滥调的“我爱你” 不是 “永远” 
--- Do you know where's my favourite place? I looked at him and he asked where? I said. In ur arms.
Did he melted for this? I guess he did.---
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Live, love, laugh, learn. 
Never let anything conquers you. For yourself, for your frens, for your parents and for your love ones.
Tell them, they beautify your life; for those who brings pains, forgive them. Because they felt the pain, not less than urs. Let it go. 




Lo,
Crys.

如果我拥有全世界

固执地相信有一天，你会清醒。可，你不会。
我们从来不知道活着的日子会有多长，一晃眼，原来已经走到尽头。仓皇间，甚至来不及说声再见。红尘如梦，深深地爱过一个人，或者狠狠地恨过一个人，到头来，好像都不重要了。真的不重要了。
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意想不到的晚上，总会想起那天你拥着我哭泣，我不停捶打你的心口，不断敲打你，可我在你心怀发疯的时候，我真的很痛很累了，似乎把所有所有的眼泪流完了，也再也没有哭过了，眼泪的极限干枯了？我不知道。可我知道那天的你，也非常沮丧，非常痛苦。因为我把所有的怨所有的痛都哭进你的心里了。那天，是你我都忘不了的一天。你对我的愧疚，对我的悔恨，我都知道。造成的伤害，不是一句对不起能解决。但，我原谅你，因为我不能永远封锁自己，需要的解脱，是自己给的。我愿意承认，我已不是你的nobody，理智上你是承认我的，那天我们决定放手，已注定我们背着对方越走越远了。
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受伤一次的女孩，只会把心墙越建越高。will see who will knock it down all the high walls one day.
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谁都可以没有谁。人生的漫漫长路，难道不可以独自完成吗？是啊，有的东西，没有也可以，譬如陪伴，牵挂，爱和温暖。可是，有的话，人生也会就不一样啊！人总有一些并非无法放下，而是不想放下的习惯。我们不是放不下，而歇斯底里我们根本就是不要放下，总是理智的告诉自己，放不下。可当我们执意要放下，怎么放不下了呢？
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------同样的眼泪，不留第二次；同样的人类，不要再牵起。I can be that strong and that weak. It depends how I think about it. It matters.
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我们没有任何放不掉。我们也没任何不一样。公平的。现在受伤了，现在错过了，是为了下一次的完美相遇，我们一定要不停错过，才能遇见真正的幸运星守护者。我努力追逐，才发现我们都一样辛苦。如果我们不问付出，也许会看得更清楚。当一切都过去了，来日岁月，会让你知道，有的人，没有也可以；有的爱，原来很浅很浅。
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我输的不是什么，我只输给了两样。时间。倔强。如果我们早相遇，如果我不倔强，如果和如果，可是没如果。我们就是注定那样相遇，注定我那么倔强任性，我相信，这一绞，我摔得狠、痛，没什么，会好好的。你的世界里，你是个明星，但我也不是配角，你让我想对自己更好，那我不如骄傲。刹那间，我觉得骄傲也能自我保护。
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流着泪学到的其中一件事，就是不在乎。一直以为是爱，就在某个瞬间，觉得真的不爱你，也可以不要你。人是这样的吗？可人都是这样活过来的。矛盾？
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总会有一天，会有一个人，看完你写过的所有状态，读完所有你写的微博和微信，看你从小到大的所有照片，甚至去别的地方寻找关于你的消息和信息，试着听你听的歌，走过你走过的地方，看你喜欢的书，品尝你爱吃的东西---只是想弥补上，你的青春---他迟到的时光。
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无误。我想我是真的可以，可以放弃，爱你的任性。



To Mun and Some

Lo,
Crys

Fuqups

I'm a mad people. I admit it always. Sometimes I will be like a crazy people. Fooling around, joking insanely with those who are close with me. But I will be vulnerable once being hurt. Like taking off the fuqing mask is just too hard for me. I mean. I get hurt easily. Something easily make me done of everything. EVERYTHING. You know that acting strong and being strong is totally different. It's hard for me to draw a distinction here because sometimes it frustrated me though.

Hardest time. The past few weeks. Having a foolish broke up, sucks exam result and etc. What doesn't kills me makes me stronger, stand a little taller? Yep. I admit that. Once Jay told me, in our life, we must put our head higher, middle finger even higher. Totally a nodding head. I always know what I am, where am I and what I want. Being clear what to be done in specific time period. I can be that strong. Receiving the worst result I ever had. Heart undoubtedly hurt, but I get something even hurt. Hence, when I passed through those fuckups... bad results mean ntg to me anymore. I din say IDC but it just compare to both, I have faced the worst condition ever. So, I decided to retake two subjects. Remaining the 4. I know it will be stressful or etc, but I will put more effort to make everything right. At least a try? I should try. Just tell me I can do it. Give me some distractions to avoid me from over thinking. At least, by studying and scoring?

Immense gratitude to Chan Kah Mun, Nga Ching Sim and Some Wong. You girls did the best for me and being there for me. Whenever and whatever, hows and whys. Girls, thanks for being my side. Listen to me and cry for me. Wiping my tears and advising me. Thanks a lot. Although I'm still conquered by some so-called sadness but overall my recovering rate is good. Standing by my side especially last few weeks, and after we received the results. Dears, thank you for being my baes, darlings and best friends. I know I'm not strong in facing all these fuckups... but yet you girls make me stronger when I need to be. You are the ones which never put me down and never get any IGNORANCE from you girls. Forever love you and thank you.

Was planning my future. <3 Planning the date for Santorini, Maldives and Paris. Coming soon.

Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult. 

* I get hurt and depressed when I finally discovered that he never belongs to me before. Not even once or twice.

I am recovering soon. 

Lo, 
Crys.

Letter for MLBF

It's torturing if I typed here. But well, I have no choice and noone who I can really cry with. Not even Mun and Sim. Frankly, you girls know my stories well and u both know me so well. For you girls, I shouldn't even shed a tear for mlbf. But memories hurt. I know, everyone goes through these so kind of ups and downs. Me either. Mun and Sim do support me whenever I need them. I swear I know they love me and care me so much. How could I just let it go when everything should belong to me and I am the one who saying give up?

Having months of life with mlbf. You aren't a perfect guy, but you know what? Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. Though we only having months of living and loving together, but darling, thanks a lot for take caring me, loving me, caring me and etc. Immense of gratitude I owed you. Was it considered as an amicable kind of split? Darling, I don't like to drag things long and I knew it will hurt both of us. The love you did spread to me sincerely I feel it and I always cherish it. But waiting for days, suffering for hours and awakening for nights, made my life really unbearable. You may say I am too naive that I should think at your side and have strong mentaly support to you, trusting you and defend for you no matter when and how, because you are my mlbf. But seriously I can't stand that you have changed like another person which I used to know. Mlbf, I miss the old you alot. The mlbf that called me every night for stupid question and just to listen my voice, texting me, putting effort to make me smile and laugh like a nut, skype me when I told you I want you now. Pampered me alot, sending me to stations, bring me to eat and those silly breakfast chatty time, those precious time I told you how pain my leg was and those little time that we used to it. What happened I asked myself everyday, every morning, every single lonely period and every night before sleep. It haunts. 

Darling, I was so glad and appreciate that you really appeared in my life. And no matter what happens, you will have ideas to make me melt for you and ur actions, giving me hope and never put me down whenever I need you. I will never forget those days' surprise you gave and apparently those melting seconds when you walked to me and just sit beside me silently. I have been waiting for so long. I always hope there will be miracle between us. I also pray hard hoping that tomorrow will be a fine day and everything will be ok. Should be alright. But no. It's finally an amicable split. Despite all those ITT, offer and acceptane craps that I used to describe those fuqsup. I miss you. I really do miss you. Everything was just mess up and is messing up my world like hell. But now I just keep myself calm and face all these by myself. It never been easy after all although it just months but it is tearing me apart. torn. hurts. 

Tears dry and smile started to fake on. I can't imagine and unbearable everything back to the NORMAL routine. Walking alone to college, solving acc alone, reading law alone... is like wtf I used to do all these with mlbf! Crap! I can't be regretting now because I know it is a chance for both of us to think what we really need and want. Maybe I need you but you din't need me at all. (maybe). But I just can't believe. Is it that easy for you to let me go and just stop loving me? I always doubt that. How can you just let me go like that? I am mad and yet heartbroken. In pieces. I wonder how, I wonder why, I wonder where they are, the days we had, the songs we sang together.

I know I must be stronger. But frankly my heart speaks. It is so painful to get ignorance from you. Unbearable. Once we held our hands so tightly and now I miss it. Yeah, we choose the love we deserve. Well said. But did you? 

Where's your favourite place? His arms. 

I still miss you and still heart you. But I hope you alright and so letting you go though I am felling apart. 

imy,iny,iwy,ivvmy,ihy,ily. 

你傳來的信無法解讀
究竟是亂碼還是心中別有企圖
你總是不肯說出
到底在不在乎
我想我是愛你的 無誤
風為你改變顏色 無誤
看不見未來 找不回歸途
在淪陷的邊緣
我的視線漸漸模糊
我想我是恨你的 無誤
放不下的回憶是 束縛
冰冷的對白 比刀鋒殘酷
終於按下回答
我選擇退出 無誤

Lo, Crys.